If I am really me, who am I?

 

Sed ut perspiciatis unde omnis iste natus error sit voluptatem accusantium doloremque laudantium, totam rem aperiam, eaque ipsa quae ab illo inventore veritatis et quasi architectoeaque ipsa quae ab illo inventore.

 

Her Story

If I am really me, who am I?

Midsummer, the feast of the goddess Anna
The feast that belongs to Anna is the feast of the summer solstice. It is celebrated on June 21 on the longest day of the year due to the richness of the earth and the power of the sun. 

 

 

“Jehanne always tried to connect her heroism with her heart. That’s why she’s a real Shero to me. “Dream your life and live your dreams,” her story seems to be calling out to us.”

Synopsis NL

Synopsis EN

Een zoektocht naar ons zelf, naar wie we werkelijk zijn. Boeken en workshops beloven ons duidelijke stappen waarmee we ons ware zelf vinden. De vraag is echter, als ik die ware zelf vind, wie ben ik dan? Is die ‘versie van mij’ wel iemand die ik wil zijn. Of in andere woorden, is degene die ik wil worden mijn ware zelf, of een door mij gewenste versie van mezelf.

Jij en ik zijn mensen (tenminste dat vermoed ik). Dat betekent dat we met menselijke ogen kijken en met menselijke oren horen. We ervaren het leven vanuit het perspectief als mens, een ik, die door een wereld wandelt. Die ‘ik’ heeft een beperkte levensduur hier op aarde. In een korte tijd moeten wij ons leven betekenis geven, iemand worden, onszelf als een herinnering in de harten van de mensen om ons heen achterlaten. Daarmee is mijn blikveld gekleurd. Voor een losstaand ‘ik’, die hier maar een relatief kort aantal jaren heeft, zou het heerlijk zijn als het leven op het welzijn van dat ‘ik’ is gericht.

Stel je eens voor dat ‘ik’ helemaal niet zo los staat van de wereld om mij heen. Dat het ‘doel’ veel groter is dan een privé doel voor mijn persoonlijke welzijn. Dat ik een onmisbaar tandwiel ben in de oneindige klok van het leven. Misschien durf ik dan zelfs het idee te proeven dat ik geen ongeluk ben, geen toevallige samenloop van omstandigheden. Heel misschien zelfs het idee toe te laten dat zoals ik ben precies is zoals ik bedoeld ben, met alles wat ik mooi vind aan mezelf, en alles wat ik zo graag zou veranderen.

 

Als ik echt mezelf ben, wie ben ik dan?

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Zou het kunnen dat ik dan degene ben ik altijd al was? Misschien zijn mijn twijfels wel precies de twijfels die nodig zijn om dit moment vorm te geven. Ik struikel over een loszittende stoeptegel en voel de brandende pijn in mijn dikke teen. Is die pijn, die onhandigheid echt mij, of is dat niet echt mij?

Is mij als een verlicht, wakker, wezen, iemand die rondzweeft en boven het gepeupel staat? Of is die wakkere versie van mij precies dezelfde als degene die ik ooit toedichtte aan het slapen te zijn?

Hoe zit het dan met de plek waar ik geboren ben, mijn seksuele voorkeur, mijn huidskleur of geslacht? Moet ik dan alles als een mak lammetje accepteren? Als ik echt mezelf ben, hoe zit het dan met mijn innerlijke kracht, wijsheid en levensvreugde?

 

If I’m really me, who am I?

—–

Could it be that I’m the person I’ve always been? Maybe my doubts are exactly the doubts that are needed to shape this moment. I stumble over a loose paving stone and feel the burning pain in my big toe. Is that pain, that awkwardness really me, or is that not really me?

A search for ourselves, for who we really are. Books and workshops promise us clear steps that will help us find our true selves. The question is, if I find that true self, who am I? Is that ‘version of me’ really someone I want to be. Or in other words, the one I want to become is my true self, or a version of myself that I want.

You and I are human (at least that’s what I suspect). That means we see with human eyes and hear with human ears. We experience life from the perspective of being a human being, an I, walking through a world. That “I” has a limited lifespan here on earth. In a short time, we have to give meaning to our lives, become somebody, leave ourselves as a memory in the hearts of those around us. That colors my field of vision. For a detached ‘I’, who has only a relatively short number of years here, it would be wonderful if life were focused on the well-being of that ‘I’.

Imagine that ‘I’ is not so detached from the world around me. That the ‘goal’ is much bigger than a private goal for my personal well-being. That I am an indispensable cog in the infinite clock of life. Maybe then I’ll even dare to taste the idea that I’m not an accident, not a coincidental coincidence. Maybe even the idea that the way I am is exactly the way I am meant to be, with everything I love about myself, and everything I would love to change.

 

If I’m really me, who am I?

—–

Could it be that I’m the person I’ve always been? Maybe my doubts are exactly the doubts that are needed to shape this moment. I stumble over a loose paving stone and feel the burning pain in my big toe. Is that pain, that awkwardness really me, or is that not really me?

Am I like an enlightened, awake being, one who floats around and stands above the mob? Or is that waking version of me exactly the same as the one I once attributed to being asleep?

What about the place where I was born, my sexual preference, my skin color or gender? Do I have to accept everything like a tame lamb? If I am truly myself, what about my inner strength, wisdom and joy of life?

 

Joris Vincken

I thought I was a musician, who would find the answers to life in the world around me.

I learned to persevere, to live without money, to drive cars that are almost falling apart, and to deal with friendly rejections from record companies. Later, the taste of success and accompanying loneliness was added. To work in recording studios had always been my dream.  I loved the differences between creative dreamers, goal-oriented success seekers and managers. I worked with a large number of artists, record companies in all kinds of countries and produced a huge amount of music. Hits were made, millions of CDs were sold, and gold records hung on my wall. And when I finally lived the dream I had when I was 16, I realized that this was not the place where I would find what I was really looking for.

And so I became a spiritual seeker, searching for the answers within myself.

The next part of my journey made me passionately search for God, for spirituality and enlightenment. I became a “devotee” and exchanged my worldly desires for a journey inward. My day began and ended with prayers and deep meditation. Chanting mantras was now my music. The recording studio turned into a mountain and my bedroom into a small tent. I found deep silence and the enlightenment I was looking for.

And then…

Back then, I was still alone, lonelier than ever. On this mountain, both the mountain outside of me and the mountain inside me, there was no real connection with life, with the people I met. My friends were only my friends as long as we said the same prayers and bowed to the same guru. But the guru turned out to be as plastic as the gold records and I became depressed.

Alone, lost, there was no place left for me to search. Outside and inside me I had searched and found nothing but beautiful illusions. My life was over. I had lost everything and everyone. There were no more stones I could turn over, not even tears I could cry.

So I stopped and sat down. Without meditation, without ecstasy, without running. I was alone with myself and for the first time I felt life. Not the polished version I was looking for for so long, but life in its raw and pure form. For the first time I knew who I was, what I was. Not a perfect dream version of myself, but me as I was created. Without any answers, full of the questions of the moment. 

Words began to flow, in music and poems. For the first time, there was real friendship, both with the people I met and with myself. My pain had awakened compassion. No longer the need to help someone, only the meeting itself. One traveler meets another. A friend meeting another friend. Sometimes short, sometimes longer.

That’s how long I had been searching. First in the world, then in myself, to finally discover that what I was really looking for, I had always been, closer than my breath, the simplicity of this moment, the source of desire. There is no key, the door had always been open. In fact, there is no door at all. There’s nothing I need to go to, because I’m already there and without knowing it, I always was.

I’m no longer looking for a specific experience. Music, words and people are still my passion, without journey or purpose. And tomorrow? I have no idea what tomorrow will bring, but I know I’m in love with today.

xxxx